Mom….

The month of May is alway difficult for me, it is MOTHER’S DAY and the 11th of the month is also my mother’s birthday. My mom has been gone for 11 years now, she passed away holding my hand on July 5, 2005.

I have to say that in my soon to be 45 years on this planet that that moment was one of the singularly most beautiful and painful moment of my entire life. To quote on of my favorite movies….”I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out”

My relationship with my mom was ( at least in my eyes growing up) tumultious at best. I was raised primarly by my Granny whom we moved in with when I was 5 because she was diagnosed with Ephysema so at the tender age of 10 I became her full time care giver with help from our neighbors while i was at school, BECAUSE my mom and dad worked full time and were VERY active in the local community theaters in our hometown. Granny Bird gave me and fostered my dreams where my mother tried to crush them.

The older I became I was bucking against everything my mother wanted me to be and it drove us both crazy, she wanted a pri,  quiet, polite little ballerina and I was a rough and tumble, nerdy, outdoorsy, loud, Figure skater who love musicals and books and when I wasn’t skating i was involved in every single show my schedule would allow but again how can you expect anything else when you were quite literally born and raised in the theater.

That was where our impass was, I was a lost little kid who wanted NOTHING more than the love and attention of her mother and I had a mother who was at that time in my life  was totally present physically but mentally and emotionally absent, I NEEDED to hear that I was loved and I made her proud and in the 36 yrs of my life that she was alive I NEVER recived that wish, she could shout it from the rooftops to every person in the world how much she loved me and was totally over the moon proud of me but she could NEVER bring herself to tell me, the one thing I longed to hear to help me feel whole and alive and purposeful, and I NEVER ever believed it when everyone we knew would tell me, I HAD to hear it from my mother’s lips.

My life altering experience with my mother came at the moment and days after her death.  Everyone I knew would tell stories and that I think is one of my fave things after a family death is the stories….well I learned quite a bit about my mother that I never ever knew, and then my cousin came across some letters and not knowng what they were and knowing my dad was in no condition to fuction she gave them to me, well they sat in my room and sat and sat, and I had to go back to my life and marriage and child in NC so there those letters sat, alone and unread, I couldn’t do it , not yet it was still so raw.

Well 6 weeks went by and I took a leave of absence from my job and took my 2 yr old son and came home for a month so my dad and I could go thru the papers, clothes, ect of my mother…HELL right?  And that is when I rediscovered those letters, well I took a weekend that my sister in law had Ethan for the weekend and I read those letters, and low and behold they were letters from my mom to my Granny and vice versa and they took place over the time she was pregnant with me and my twin and the loss of my twin and the fear she had the rest of the pregnancy with me ect and also my birth and the month after my birth…

All I kept seeing in these letters was ” mom I love this baby, I can’t wait to meet this little person!” Mom, I love her, she is sooo tiny but what a fighter, I love her and will protect her!

MY MOM ACTUALLY SAID IT! Granted not to me which I THOUGHT I needed to hear but no I just needed to see or hear it from her and these letters were that bridge. KATE PAQUETTE MY MOTHER ACTUALLY LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!!!! That moment was my moment of everything I ever held in about her came rushing out, I cried, I ranted, I raved, I screamed, I laughed, every single emotion anyone could ever feel came out in those next several hours and it was simply magickal because it was just me and my mom, no one else was around, I was alone in the house and it was cleansing, hurtful, healing ect all in that one day.

That was the day I let go of all of the hurt, anger, frustration about my mother, I forgave every past hurt she ever inflicted, will I ever forget, no, BUT for me to heal I needed to let it all go and realize that my mother did the very best she could raising me with the tools she was offered. My Granny Bird was not the same person she was a s  mother, she was a single mother in the 30’s and 40’s to 3 children and she at the time was very much like my mother was with me, and she did the best she could with the tools she was offered.

See parenthood is a cycle and we are NEVER going to be the ” perfect” parent because there is no such thing, we will fall , we will stumble, we will yell , we will fight we will learn we will grow right along with our children just always make sure your children KNOW that even in the worst of times that they are LOVED, above all else make sure they know that and that they ALWAYS will have a safe haven in your arms and you will always fight for them and with them, make sure that even in the worst of time that your children know that you will always do the very best you can for them even when they don’t see it, believe me they will see it, eventually!  Mom, I love you and I miss you more than you know, and I hope I am an ok mom and that I am leaving behind something to make you proud!

13164384_10209699524469161_1847527142412079096_n