Being Authentically YOU the Good, The Bad and yes even the Ugly.

Thru my short time on social media ( Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, ect) I  have realized that there is sooo much HATE, JUDGEMENT and just general DISLIKE of everyone. It is sad and it truly sickens me, and it is sad because I can say I am one of the many hated people and seriously I don’t honestly know why…

I was at one time so desperate to just ” fit in” and at that time I seriously did not care where or what I had to do to get there ( I would lie, I would cheat I would throw shade and invariably get caught) ….I just wanted to be liked and sadly I saw that NO ONE that I truly thought was my friend would be there when I took the fall)  I am still wanting everyone to ” like me” but with the love and support of some very good and authentic friends I can say I know how to go about it better.

At one time you could call me a bully, I would talk shit, I would screenshot  I would call people out….it is NOT a pleasent place to be for anyone and yes I have been and am currently going thru it. But you know what…I am no longer that person despite what many people who seriously mean nothing to me think about me, I have learned, I have grown and I choose to live authentically in my truth, the good, the bad and even the ugly…and you know what…that is ok.  I can still be one hell of a nasty witch bitch when provoked but I KNOW now how to go about it better, instead of giving into that vile hate and nastiness I know that I can pick up the phone and call any one of my tribe and they will let me vent and then tell me what to do and how to get rid of these feelings. I may not want to hear it because it makes me look deep inside myself at the negativity and I realize I don’t want to live in there, it is a good thing to have people you can TRULY lean on who are willing to help you and hold you thru the darkness.

But also it is a good thing to actually live your truth…ALL YOUR TRUTH, it really helps you GROW.  I have learned especially of late that you can’t change other people’s view of you but you can change who you are and who you want to become and who you want to surround yourself with.  I have been in a negative headspace going into 2017 and one of my friends told me that that alone is perfectly ok.

So I took a couple of days and quite literally lived my truth, it was ugly, it was negative but I fully embraced it, I journaled, I meditated and I let myself fully take on those awful emotions, the hard part is NOT staying there, luckily I have a good support system of husband, children, friends and family who would NEVER let me stay there so I was able to pull out of it and cleanse myself of those icky feelings but now I have a record of those and I now have the steps and ideas to learn and grow and fully embrace this thing we call AUTHENTIC LIVING!

Mom….

The month of May is alway difficult for me, it is MOTHER’S DAY and the 11th of the month is also my mother’s birthday. My mom has been gone for 11 years now, she passed away holding my hand on July 5, 2005.

I have to say that in my soon to be 45 years on this planet that that moment was one of the singularly most beautiful and painful moment of my entire life. To quote on of my favorite movies….”I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life and I was there when she drifted out”

My relationship with my mom was ( at least in my eyes growing up) tumultious at best. I was raised primarly by my Granny whom we moved in with when I was 5 because she was diagnosed with Ephysema so at the tender age of 10 I became her full time care giver with help from our neighbors while i was at school, BECAUSE my mom and dad worked full time and were VERY active in the local community theaters in our hometown. Granny Bird gave me and fostered my dreams where my mother tried to crush them.

The older I became I was bucking against everything my mother wanted me to be and it drove us both crazy, she wanted a pri,  quiet, polite little ballerina and I was a rough and tumble, nerdy, outdoorsy, loud, Figure skater who love musicals and books and when I wasn’t skating i was involved in every single show my schedule would allow but again how can you expect anything else when you were quite literally born and raised in the theater.

That was where our impass was, I was a lost little kid who wanted NOTHING more than the love and attention of her mother and I had a mother who was at that time in my life  was totally present physically but mentally and emotionally absent, I NEEDED to hear that I was loved and I made her proud and in the 36 yrs of my life that she was alive I NEVER recived that wish, she could shout it from the rooftops to every person in the world how much she loved me and was totally over the moon proud of me but she could NEVER bring herself to tell me, the one thing I longed to hear to help me feel whole and alive and purposeful, and I NEVER ever believed it when everyone we knew would tell me, I HAD to hear it from my mother’s lips.

My life altering experience with my mother came at the moment and days after her death.  Everyone I knew would tell stories and that I think is one of my fave things after a family death is the stories….well I learned quite a bit about my mother that I never ever knew, and then my cousin came across some letters and not knowng what they were and knowing my dad was in no condition to fuction she gave them to me, well they sat in my room and sat and sat, and I had to go back to my life and marriage and child in NC so there those letters sat, alone and unread, I couldn’t do it , not yet it was still so raw.

Well 6 weeks went by and I took a leave of absence from my job and took my 2 yr old son and came home for a month so my dad and I could go thru the papers, clothes, ect of my mother…HELL right?  And that is when I rediscovered those letters, well I took a weekend that my sister in law had Ethan for the weekend and I read those letters, and low and behold they were letters from my mom to my Granny and vice versa and they took place over the time she was pregnant with me and my twin and the loss of my twin and the fear she had the rest of the pregnancy with me ect and also my birth and the month after my birth…

All I kept seeing in these letters was ” mom I love this baby, I can’t wait to meet this little person!” Mom, I love her, she is sooo tiny but what a fighter, I love her and will protect her!

MY MOM ACTUALLY SAID IT! Granted not to me which I THOUGHT I needed to hear but no I just needed to see or hear it from her and these letters were that bridge. KATE PAQUETTE MY MOTHER ACTUALLY LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!!!! That moment was my moment of everything I ever held in about her came rushing out, I cried, I ranted, I raved, I screamed, I laughed, every single emotion anyone could ever feel came out in those next several hours and it was simply magickal because it was just me and my mom, no one else was around, I was alone in the house and it was cleansing, hurtful, healing ect all in that one day.

That was the day I let go of all of the hurt, anger, frustration about my mother, I forgave every past hurt she ever inflicted, will I ever forget, no, BUT for me to heal I needed to let it all go and realize that my mother did the very best she could raising me with the tools she was offered. My Granny Bird was not the same person she was a s  mother, she was a single mother in the 30’s and 40’s to 3 children and she at the time was very much like my mother was with me, and she did the best she could with the tools she was offered.

See parenthood is a cycle and we are NEVER going to be the ” perfect” parent because there is no such thing, we will fall , we will stumble, we will yell , we will fight we will learn we will grow right along with our children just always make sure your children KNOW that even in the worst of times that they are LOVED, above all else make sure they know that and that they ALWAYS will have a safe haven in your arms and you will always fight for them and with them, make sure that even in the worst of time that your children know that you will always do the very best you can for them even when they don’t see it, believe me they will see it, eventually!  Mom, I love you and I miss you more than you know, and I hope I am an ok mom and that I am leaving behind something to make you proud!

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Choosing Happiness over Drama

I have come to realize in the last several weeks that I kind of like this being a Grown up and choosing Happiness.

There will ALWAYS and forever be drama in our lives, our worlds, via friends, family, the internet, the music we listen too, the books we read, ect…BUT we have a CHOICE on how we choose to handle that “drama”

We can stop spending time with our friends and family, stop reading, stop listening to music, turn off the TV, not use our electronic devices ect which personally in some respects i think is the way to go but in all honestly is that going to become a reality? HELL NO at least not anytime soon.

NEVER ever forget YOU ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE in how you choose to handle the drama in your day to day life,  I used to be one that would jump up and rant and rave and scream and yell until I made my personal point which usually and sometimes still does inevetably cause more drama and havoc. I don’t want to be that person anymore, I am a mom to 4 kids I have enough to deal with in my day to day life with their drama lol, I do not want or need more in my life.

I recently came under some pretty nasty drama online, did I get mad HELL YES, did I rant and rave, yes I did, did it cause more harm and drama , yeppers it sure did. BUT in the midst of all of it I had a MASSIVE wave of love and support that truly overcame the hate and drama and that is where I am CHOOSING to stay.

I am choosing to stay in that bubble of happiness and use my advice, my spiritual journey, my life choices et from now on to spread love, support, growth and happiness to others, and if I can reach just 1 person and make a simple difference in their lives be it a smile, a kind word, a funny meme, a hug, whatever THEN I DID MY JOB, because I know how it feels to be lost, confused, scared, alone but I also know how it feels to be loved, supported, lifted up , and made happy and it truly is a wonderouse and magickal place to be!

If you want help, advice , support all you need to do is REACH OUT, I will help catch you.

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THANK YOU and I AM SO SORRY!

I want to thank you to each and everyone of you that participated in the #pinkshirtday or #pinkitforward for me or for whomever you chose to do it for, it really is a great way to raise awarness about Bullying and that it in any form is NEVER ok.

There has been some drama surrounding this in my life of late and I am here to acknowledge it and this will be the last time I am acknowledging the negative, I am choosing to move forward in LOVE AND LIGHT and KINDNESS.
First off let me say I AM TRULY AND HONESTLY VERY VERY SORRY FOR any and all pain and suffering I have cause anyone in the  Pagan and Witchy Community, can I go back and fix it now? No but what I can do is choose to say I am sorry and move forward, will it fix this damage, probably not but at least I can say I did try . I AM NOT IN ANY WAY BLAMELESS in all of this drama and whatever, YES I absolutly have thrown shade, talked shit and ” bullied” people but I am human, does that excuse it and make it right? NO not in any way, BUT for me it was 6 months to a year ago and that was a VERY dark time and YES I acknowledge it, YES I admit it and YES I own my shit, am I proud that I sunk to that level to make my self feel better? NO NOT AT ALL, but for me personally THE PAST IS IN THE PAST, and that is where I am choosing to leave it. Am I here to ” impress” anyone? Hell no, I am here to do me, and that is it.
Have I learned from my mistakes, I THNK I have, will I continue to make mistakes in the future, of course it is part of human nature but I can say very strongly that I have a choice of who I choose to be an active, kind and supportive presence in my life and who I choose to let go of. I CHOOSE to leave the drama and He said She Said bullshit in the past and Learn and Grow as a woman, wife, daughter, witch and mother.
We as human’s don’t do alot of THINKING before we SPEAK it is very easy to let our emotions take over and then when they do we have to live with the consquences of our own emotional choices, as a very dear friend of mine says all the time, WORDS HAVE POWER and that is very very true, seriously let that phrase sink in for a minute… There are several cute memes all over the internet now and yes they are cute, fun, meainingful ect but if you REALLY REALLY look and THINk about the words they are saying they really are pretty powerful. There are several things that can NOT be taken back once they are out in the universe and that if you really think about it is a bitter pill to swallow…THE STONE AFTER IT IS THROWN, THE WORD AFTER IT IS SAID, THE ACTION AFTER IT IS DONE, AND TIME AFTER IT HAS PASSED.
I am going to make a conscious effort to really THINK before I speak from this point forward…THINK..is it TRUE, is it HELPFUL, is it INSPIRING, is it NECESSARY and is it KIND….
Love, Light and Healing to all in the community that I have ” wronged” I AM TRULY SORRY I hope that from this point forward we can all move forward and leave the past in the past.

Nameste and Blessed Be

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Trust Yourself First and Formost

 

cleansing in the rain

When you are coming into this journey of Paganism or Witchcraft or whatever your path may entail as a ” newbie” my advice is READ, READ, READ, READ and when you think your brain may explode, READ some more, LOL!

The reason I say this is that in this day  of being in the Technology Age we have a HUGE advantage over witches from many many years ago, but with that you must remember that despite how cheesy it sounds ” KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, Words are powerful things and that is why it is called SPELLING”

Once your words are  released out into the cosmos or universe you can never take them back and that in and of itself is kind of mind boggling, at least to me….It makes me believe in Karma, the 3fold Wiccan law, or whatever you in your soul and journey want to call it. Whatever you put out into the universe you will get back be it good or bad.

Everyone coming into any new spiritual path is usually overwhelmed and wants to seek advice, and in this age of Facebook, Youtube, Skype, ect that is all well and good but ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS trust yourself and your intuition ( that lil voice in your head or soul) FIRST AND FORMOST , if something or someone doesn’t resonate or sound or feel right to you then most likely for YOU it isn’t right and you should just continue seeking and gathering and reading.

Magick is a very complex and very real art, but you really need to think long and hard before attempting it, I have been on this path for 30 yrs now and I didn’t even THINK to attempt my first actual spell until probably 8-10 yrs into it, and for most taht is not the norm but honestly for me FEAR won out, I was very KNOWLEDGABLE but still very scared of the ” what if’s ” .

I really like the OLD WAYS of Magick, where you don’t need tools, which don’t get me wrong , all the tools, bells, whistles ect are all fun and fine and dandy and yes they work and help your magick BUT still are not really needed, the only 3 things you TRULY need to make any spell, manifestion, ect work are Your INTENTION, Your HEART, and Your HANDS.  Remember back in the 1500’s they didn’t have colored candles, they didn’t have athemes, they didn’t have crystals, books, ect and they couldn’t just go out in nature on any given day and conjour their spells, or manifest their desires because they would get burned…. There are advantages to being a witch today and yet there are also disadvantages as well…

I guess my advice to all the amazing and wonderful newbie witches coming into this path be it young, old, man, woman or child, READ, READ, READ, ALWAYS TRUST YOURSELF FIRST AND NEVER FORGET THE MOST POWERFUL MAGICK ALREADY LIES WITHIN YOU, IT IS CALLED INTENTION AND INTUITION!

Blessed Be! xoxo!

 

What is a ” Book of Shadows”

In order to answer this properly I have broken this subject down into several other questions that I did answer on a video that my good friend Amythest posted on her YT channel and so I will put the video questions into writing to make it easier ( and since I think I may come across better on paper vs video, lol) BUT for those of you that want to see the video as well here is the link to my video, lol  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnASyPEp9AY

Now to me personally a Book Of Shadows or Grimore or Book of Light or Mirrors or whatever you personally call your sacred book for your path and practice of the craft. But for me it is called a BOOK OF SHADOWS and to me it is a vital part of me and an extention of me and my thoughts, my dreams, spells, magickal works that I can use in my practice to help me grow and expand.

What does my Book of Shadows mean to me? Well it encompasses my 30 yrs of my sacred journey and walk with the God and Goddess, it is to me much more than a diary, it is every triumph, every disaster, every stumble, every celebration, every magickal question, every twist , turn and change I have made in my yrs. It to me is an extention of my soul.

Some of my favorite things to put into my personal Book of Shadows is since I identify as a Eclectic Rainbow witch it is indeed VERY colorful. I love to make my entries as colorful and imbued with as much love and magicakal properties as I can, how do I do that? Well for me I have a special set of paints, markers, colored pencils and crayons I ONLY use for my Book. I love to add spells that I have made special paintings to write my spells on and they go right into my book.

Do I let anyone read my Book of Shadows? NO! Now that being said I do not mind showing off my book(s) on camera, on video, ect but I NEVER share my spells the spell portion of my BOS is NOT for others eyes.

Do I have more than one book? Well yes I do, I currently have 3 one is a 3 ring binder that I use for all the massive wealth of ever changing info that I couldn’t possibly write down ( thank goodness we live in a computer era for this reason lol) like HERBS, CRYSTALS, PANTHEONS OF DEITIES, ECT and then I have my current Spell Book and I also have a pocket BOS that is in my purse along with a small travel altar because for me I do NOT stop being a witch when I walk out my door. But Istill have all of my spell books that I have used over my years and I still will ocassionally reference them or add some of my old info into my new one to refresh my path.Derrie's Current BOS's 2015

Sacred Space(s) What are they?

Meditation in my Sacred Spot

Ok What exactly is a Sacred Space? Sacred Space for me and my spiritual journey it is somewhere and something that I use to connect with the divine. As you see from the above photo this is one of my sacred spots ( it is at my In laws Farm) but they can also be spaces in your home that help you feel at peace and calm and happy and bring you joy.

I happen to have quite a few spaces thru out my home that I consider “sacred” or spaces in my home that bring me great joy. I have several ” altars” or places that I use to connect with the divine and that make me extremely happy and at peace. I have my main working altar right next to my desk, and on my desk I have a Tranquilty Altar that I use to meditate or use it as a focal point when I am having a bad day and need to refocus or reconnect and ground and get some answers.

I also have an Herbal Apothocary that I use to make potions, spells, mojo bags, tinctures, ect anything Magickal which is also a way for me to connect with divine as well.

But we also just have some spaces in our home that I personally consider sacred, we have a family picture table, my husband created a wedding shelf in our bedroom that has  our cake toppers, my bouqet, our sand jar, some of the ivy that we used, a gorgeous glass bowl that our brother in law made, ect and it has a photo of my husband and I, his parents on their wedding day and my parents on their wedding day. But what a wonderful gift and memory for us to have and remember.

I also find our kitchen table is sacred because it is where we gather as a family at meal time to discuss and relive our day, my children do their homework at this table so it has memories of watching them grow in their education, we have family game nights here, we bake,  I use it to work on my Book of Shadows….

So you see, Sacred Space is just what YOU make it! It can be simple or elaborate or you can look at a spacein your home with new eyes and see that magick that it has within your own family!

Blessed Be!